“It’s not you, it’s me. No wait, it really is you.”

You don’t have to study personality types to realize that people are very different. The more we mature and interact with a variety of people, the more we learn that people see the world very differently than we do.  Eventually we learn to seek out those people that we click with, the ones with similar or harmonious viewpoints.  Friends may come and go over the years, most of the time they go simply because we lose touch, or grow apart, and it’s a gradual, natural thing. But have you ever had a relationship end badly? We tend to think of romantic relationships ending in ugly break-ups, but sometimes friendships can end just as abruptly, and we can end up feeling disillusioned and shocked by the whole thing. We thought we knew this person. We thought they knew us.

We thought we knew this person. We thought they knew us.

Why does this happen? Well, there are many reasons, the most obvious being that we didn’t “click” with them as much as we thought- and those differing points of view eventually came to a head. But that isn’t usually the case with the worst break ups. These have a more complicated reason for ending. We can sum it up with this: people change. No, they don’t radically change their world views, becoming a completely different person.  A happy-go-lucky, likable Nine isn’t going to suddenly become an opinioned, confrontational Eight.  So what changes? Their health. Specifically their emotional health. 

What makes the difference is how emotionally, or psychologically healthy we are.

No matter what our personality type, we have equal potential for greatness, or to cause harm. What makes the difference is how emotionally, or psychologically healthy we are.  The Enneagram Institute refers to this as the “Levels of Development”.  We can think of the nine Enneagram types as a “horizontal” set of categories, each one distinct. But if no type is better than another, than how do you explain that some people are clearly high-functioning, stable, and balanced, while others are emotionally stuck, troubled, and cannot handle stress effectively? Clearly if this system is going to accurately mirror human nature, and reflect the ever-changing states within each type, there also needs to be a way to account for “vertical” movement and development within each type.  Picture a round cake with the Enneagram numbers around the outer edge in a circle- each type is a “slice” of the cake.  But the cake is tall, with three layers. These layers represent the levels of health: Healthy, Average, and Unhealthy. Each “slice” of the cake would contain all three layers, just as each type contains all three levels. For more on this click here.

It would be almost impossible to make assumptions about the types without taking the level of health into consideration, because as each type deteriorates down the levels, many of their characteristics become their opposite. For example, healthy Eights are the most big-hearted and generous of all types. They mentor others, allowing them to flourish under their direction and become strong.  But the opposite is true of unhealthy Eights, who are full of rage, stingy  and hard-hearted. Healthy and unhealthy Eights would seem so different from each other that you would swear they are two different types.

So what do these Levels of Health have to do with ended relationships?  A person who has become emotionally unhealthy can seem to us like a completely different person from their healthier self.  The positive qualities that first drew us to them can deteriorate to the point where we hardly see the good anymore, and the negative qualities move to the forefront of their personality.  When a person becomes very unhealthy, those around them may feel betrayed, that they didn’t know the “real” person at all. But in fact, that’s not true.  They may have known that person very well, but people change. We all change, and experience a wide range of states over the course of our lives. Ideally, we are self-aware enough to see ourselves slipping downward, and are able to climb back up again.  But for ones who, for whatever reason, can’t get it together again, or refuse to acknowledge their decline, they are on a slippery slope that leads to a complete breakdown of spirit. If you are one of the unfortunate ones who are close with someone who is heading that direction, you will feel their toxic effect most of all. 

When a person becomes very unhealthy, those around them may feel betrayed, that they didn’t know the “real” person at all.

If that has happened to you, the first thing to keep in mind is this: It’s not you, it’s them. Chances are very good that if you met that person at that current point in their life, you wouldn’t have even considered becoming close to them. But it’s very hard for us to not take things personally. We tend to feel like we are in some way to blame for the changes in them. A belief that is often reinforced by the unhealthy person. They may be the first to point fingers at us, saying that we are the reason why they are in such a sad state. It makes sense- it’s much easier to blame others for their problems, and hold a grudge, than it is to accept that they are the ones who’ve changed, and they are the only ones who can fix the problem. Because that’s the truth of it- until they are willing to work on improving their emotional health, there’s nothing you or anyone else can do to fix it.  If they are willing to work on it, then it’s up to you to decide if it’s worth it to you to hang in there, and be a part of their repair and recovery process.  If they are not willing to work on their mental state, or are unable to improve, then you need to seriously think about whether it’s time to cut your losses.

This can be a tough decision. For some Types in particular, this can be a gut-wrenching thing to go through. A Two, for example, will have a terrible time with any relationship ending, much less if they are the ones that have to do the leaving. Because their self-identity is so tightly linked with the people they are close to, they can develop a co-dependent relationship with unhealthy people,  staying with them long past the time when they should have given it up. All the while taking such emotional hits from their close proximity to this toxic person, that they can very easily become unhealthy themselves. A Six can have trouble with this as well, allowing their need to remain loyal and offer support override their common sense to back away from people that are no longer good for them. If you are struggling with your feelings of guilt about backing away from an unhealthy person, or even cutting off the relationship all together, remember this: our psychological health is a precious thing- one that we must protect at all costs. Let that person be a vivid example to you of how much we need to keep healthy, not just for ourselves, but for those who love us. If we determine that being close with that person will erode our own mental health, then we need to start thinking of self preservation. Because once you fall down that rabbit hole, it’s really hard to get back up again.
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